During the past few days reality's really start to set in. Despite all my previous excitement, which was really only one side of the coin anyway, I'm now entering the phase where I have to come to accept that so many things have changed, and changed for good. And it's painful, as I expected it to be and as it makes sense for it to be. I've never felt so much like the rug's been pulled right out from under me. I've dealt with my share of loss in the past couple of years, so I know I can handle it, but it still sucks at the moment. I'm not gonna go into a whiney rant about it, but I'm not the picture of happy at the moment...
I can't complain about Charlotte. As a place to live it's pretty great for the most part. The gay community here is the only truly disappointing thing so far, and even that is better than anywhere else I've been. I've been talking to some knowledgeable guys from an LGBT Center here and it seems there aren't too many places other than bars or clubs where gay people my age get together, and there's also a lot of the cliquishness that's an unfortunate problem in lgbt communities apparently. Most of the gay people I've met are older and in relationships. I did meet one guy today my age who seems like he could be a good friend, which is cool. But at this point I'm pretty much starting to think that God just wants me to be single for a good long while, and I can't say I'm okay with that, but I'll just have to suck it up and deal with the frustration like I always do.
Alright, so much for no whining, but I guess this is as good a place as any to vent...I know happiness is a rare wonder, but I just wish that the truly happy periods in my life could last more than a couple of weeks. I was doing so well in terms of getting over depression and finding a true sense of myself during the last month I lived in Ewing, and now that's being really shaken up, and I feel as though I'm struggling to keep a sense of myself. I'm having trouble sleeping because I keep lying awake thinking "What is going on right now? What happened to everything?" I know there are probably a lot of exciting things in my future, but right now I feel like I'm in a weird void and am just waiting to get on with my life.
I did come up with one positive way of thinking about some of these things one night. I was thinking about how intimidating the future seems to me; everything seems to have more dire consequences than usual. I have to find a job; if I don't, I can't save up enough to leave here or even to visit home and see my friends again. I have to do well on the GRE, or else I could sabotage my chances at a PhD program, which I have to get into if I ever want a career track job, but I can't start unless I have a job that's paid me enough so I can afford an apartment. Then when I do get into a PhD program I have to do extremely well in it for 7-10 years. So I was thinking about all that being daunting, but then I came up with a way of looking at it that helps. Instead of thinking of all these things bearing down on me at once, I'm thinking of a pyramid. Each level of the pyramid builds upon the foundation of the last one. That doesn't mean that each successive step is easier; it just means that each step has a greater and stronger foundation to be built on. So for example, the first and biggest step is learning to live without being surrounded by my support network and accepting what fate's thrown my way. That's the step I'm working on right now, and it's probably the hardest (I know most people would tell me facing the job market and the PhD are harder, but I know myself and know that the emotional part of all this will be way more difficult than the practical part, because, to be honest, I know I can do it. I just need to get there.). So now I can just let myself focus on dealing with this loss and change. Once I get through that, I can move onto the next step, getting a job, having the foundation of the previous step (emotional peace) to support me and not having to worry about the future steps because I build them one at a time. The next few steps might be taking the GREs, getting an apartment, and applying for PhD programs, not necessarily in that order. But I think if I apply the same philosophy to this that I applied to my thesis, I'll be just fine: take it in small pieces, one steady-paced step at a time, and don't get psyched out by the big picture. I'll know when it's time to put the pieces together. Like Professor Venturo always told me: "Make wood is hard to grow." His grandmother said that. I love that saying, especially when it's said in an Irish accent.
So I think I have a handle on how I'm going to deal with the pressure of "the future." But that still leaves this first, and most difficult, step: dealing with the loss of what feels like my previous life and managing to find what makes me happy here. I'm really happy I've been keeping in touch with people from home so far, and I'm going to make sure I continue that. I know that physical distance doesn't really matter between loved ones, because people don't just exist as objects of our satisfaction. They exist as people whom we want to be happy, so that THEY, not just we, will be happy. In other words, friendships aren't just about fulfilling yourself; they're about fulfilling the people you're friends with out of a genuine desire to do so. Although being in close proximity is really nice, it's the care between people that matters, the care FOR one another, my care that you're okay and your care that I'm okay, and that shouldn't be weakened by distance. And I know I have friendships in which it won't be.
So, ima keep on truckin', and keep my chin up, and all that, and I know that I'll start feeling better about all this soon enough. How I feel right now is to be expected, and to be borne like everything else in life. And even though I sometimes feel like I'm struggling a bit to keep the sense of self and stability I had before the move, I have to keep reminding myself of how much worse it would be if I HADN'T had that strength to draw on before I left! The universe never seems to throw anything my way I can't handle...though it sure feels like it throws as much as I can handle.
In better news, I've made a few new friends! I met a guy and his girlfriend, Zach and Nina, in NoDa. They were walking an awesome greyhound and I stopped to pet it. I was going to walk away but I forced myself to do a 180 and talk to them, since I knew that was the only way I was going to meet anyone. We ended up talking for a bit, getting a beer together at the Dog Bar (a bar where dogs are allowed in, they jump up on the counter and stuff, it's awesome), and hanging out there for an hour. I watched the world cup game with Zach yesterday too at a bar filled with really enthusiastic fans (I think I could actually get into Soccer! What do ya know). Turns out the culture here's a little different than in New Jersey and New York; random people on the street and in social places actually WANT to talk to you and be friendly, as opposed to thinking you're crazy or want something from them if you even say hello. I met another guy named Shawn because he liked my beard and started talking to me. So all you need is a cool dog or a cool beard, and you got friends. Zach and Nina seem like really awesome people, too. Nina helps run a multi-state non-profit that works with homeless people. I thought they were closer to my age; turns out they're a few years older, but I think we're close enough in age so we can still chill out and relate to each other. I'm honestly a little worried about the "gay factor" and how that might play into any new friendships I make here; that's part of what sucks about the move is that I don't have any support network of people who know about that part of me here. But I'm pretty certain that the people I've met so far wouldn't care very much, especially being connected to social work and all. They seem like they have good hearts. This morning I also had brunch with some guys from the LGBT center and a guy named Dan who is my age, and he's helping organize a "Pride Band" that'll start in August. I'm thinking about joining it; I haven't been in a formal band in a couple of years, and it could be a lot of fun! Maybe a good way of meeting people, too. So I've got a couple months to practice...
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