Well, I haven't blogged for a while, but I'm kinda tired of writing all my personal "feelings" and "emotions" and all that other human stuff. So instead, I'm going to write a completely spontaneous, stream-of-consciousness story-thing of some sort. Because I want to, and because I think if I don't stop taking life so seriously I'm going to drive myself into an early grave. Might as well start with my writing. Here goes!
***
Small Change
The little girl struggled with the honey jar sitting on the table. The lid was stuck fast; she pried and twisted and turned and gripped and slipped her tiny pink fingers over it, but to no avail. She tried her teeth. It hurt. She tried her foot. Not enough of a grip, not even with both. Just as she was about to smash the little mason jar in frustration, her mother entered the room. Her mother was unremarkable: five feet and several inches tall, straight brown hair, blue eyes, voice of an average pitch, white teeth, but not too white. A smile that was pleasant, not a particularly playful, inviting, warm, tricky smile, just pleasant, as if to say "Hey" and leave you expecting something more. An awkward smile, maybe. Awkward may have been the better word for her. Especially because of the one characteristic that made her something slightly more or less than average. She could see the future.
Not the distant future, nor even a few minutes into the future; the immediate, imminent future. On tuesday she'd suddenly stomped the foot of her coworker Brad as she'd greeted him in the hall.
"OW! What the hell is wrong with you, Sue?"
"You were about to...oh, you know...one of those things..."
Brad had been about to stub his toe on a swivel chair Shawn had pushed a little too far out in his excitement over some cupcakes that had appeared in the break room.
Naturally, Sue had averted the disaster by stopping the foot before it had finished its fatal journey to the chair.
How the stomping was a better outcome than the stubbing, one can only wonder.
Brad didn't seem to appreciate it. He stormed off to his cubicle, muttering about witch trials under his breath. Some people just don't understand kindness, thought Sue.
Sue now stood in front of her daughter. Her daughter held the honey jar in mid-plunge, frozen, staring wide-eyed at her mother, anticipating the "help" that would come.
But her fear was in vain. Sue sighed and shook her head distractedly. Hers was a complicated power, and with strange power comes rather confusing responsibility. She'd known that her mere presence would be enough to stop her daughter's reckless mission. She'd also known what she'd been about to do to stop it: she was going to toss a conveniently placed banana at her daughter, hoping to surprise her into dropping the jar (if it broke, the glass would be far enough away from her pudgy pink fingers). But Sue also knew that the banana would have hit her daughter in the face. It wouldn't have hurt her much, but then who wants a banana in the face?
Sue's dilemma became clearer with time and experience. She'd notice something about to happen, notice what she'd do about it, notice what she'd do in reaction to that knowledge, and so on and so forth. Eventually she saw a thousand possibilities in a fraction of a second, all appearing so quickly before her that they seemed to blend together into one moment, an instant fractured into a prismatic quilt of potentiality. Needless to say, this gave Sue frequent headaches.
"Oh sweetie, what are we gonna do with me?" she sighed to the little girl, whose name was Heather. Heather looked up at her with big round watery eyes. Heather's mommy was strange.
"Mom. Mom mom. It okay!" Heather breathed. Ever since their father had left the little girl and her mother had grown considerably closer. She could barely speak, but she empathized with Sue in a way words couldn't approach.
Sue stopped massaging her temples and looked down at those wide watery eyes. "Thanks, honey." At the mention of honey the girl involuntarily glanced at the banana. It was still sitting securely on the counter and didn't seem to be in danger of hurtling through the air.
The two were quiet for a while. It wasn't just an awkward silence. Sue, distracting herself from her throbbing head, was deep in thought.
"It's okay...it's okay...maybe that's the key, right there. You know, I think you're onto something! I know just what I can do! My little girl is so smart!" Sue shouted a bit wildly and clapped her hands. Heather hiccuped.
* * *
The next day, Sue saw Brad as she was walking down the sunlit, coffee-stained hallway toward her cubicle. He flinched and flexed his tender toe as he saw her approach.
"Hi Brad! Smells good in here today, eh?" Sue bubbled, as Brad nodded suspiciously. Sue's reaction to seeing him was, bizarre comment aside, unremarkable. And this, in itself, was remarkable.
Sue continued on her merry way, attempting to mask her glowing excitement with an impassive expression. The result was a grimace that made her other coworkers even more wary of her than usual. Sue didn't even notice. She was too busy wondering over all the things she wasn't noticing. It's okay, she thought. It's all okay.
That evening Sue walked into the kitchen as she did every other evening. Heather was balanced on a tall stool, trying to get at a poorly placed cookie jar. The girl sure knew how to climb.
Sue's first instinct would have been to predict her daughter's fall and instantly "save" her. Now she did no such thing. She didn't need to. Heather wobbled, her watery eyes widening almost to the size of sunflowers. She teetered, gave a little gasp, then tumbled-
-into the cloud of her mother's arms, almost bouncing, catching her breath and lightly giggling. A pair of shining eyes full of rain, blinking and drizzling.
"Mom mom!"
* * *
After a while Sue could control her power almost effortlessly. She became a completely average woman. Five feet and several inches tall, straight hair, blue eyes. She greeted Brad in her average manner as they passed in the average-smelling hallway.
"Sue, you know I really admire this new look. You seem to have a whole new way about you, though I can't put my finger on what exactly it is, other than the obvious. You're lighting up this whole boring old place."
"Thank you kindly, Brad. Oh, you know me, always trying to make situations just a little bit better." She raised her eyebrows at him and walked on, a relaxed spring in her step.
"Oh, you know, um, I was wondering if you'd like to maybe, do something..."
But Sue had already turned the corner.
When she had a moment to think, she scratched her head, sliding a finger down one of her tightly-rolled blue dreadlocks. Maybe being average wouldn't be as difficult as she'd thought.
* * *
(I added the title afterward. :p )
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Paintings all over you...
Happy-town!
I'm long overdue for a blog update. So basically fastforward waaay ahead from the way things were last time. No more incessant loneliness or shaken-up identity. I guess I just got over it. I've adjusted, and I've begun to truly enjoy myself here. I'm not sure exactly how it happened. It wasn't like the time toward the end of college when I figured a bunch of very important things out and acted on them to make myself feel better, although it is a return to the state that resulted from that. This just kind of happened. One day it wasn't, next it was. Anyway, I'm not complaining! It's nice to be at peace. :)
Even the problems that were the greatest sources of anxiety for me before have kind of faded into the background. It's like when you're driving away from someone, and there was something else you wanted to say or do, but soon you're so far away that your voice can't carry that far anymore, and you need to look ahead at the road and so can't keep looking back, and soon you've forgotten all about whatever it was that was bothering you when you left...
It's also a little like Dante, when he ascends to a new level of Paradise. He's weightless, and moving upward so fast that before he even realizes that he's moving, it appears that everything else is growing away from him.
Those metaphors are the best I can do to describe this adjustment.
Other than that, there are the owls. They've been coming up everywhere! I rode down a wooded trail on this amazing bike path I've been exploring, and a huge brown owl immediately swooped in front of me, landed on a tree, stared at me for a moment, and flew off. A couple days later I was at the gallery crawl in NoDa and I bought a lavender-stuffed owl to help me sleep (sleeping is not a problem anymore, thankfully). I then walked into a gallery and noticed that I was looking at a large painting of an owl. I looked at another picture, and noticed that owls were also its subject, except more abstract and energy-like. As I looked around it dawned on me that the entire exhibit was nothing but paintings of owls. And at the end of the hall, there were two live owls perched calmly on branches; they'd been brought there by the raptor center. So this was all pretty mind-blowing. Then I saw an owl statue on a dock a few days later.
I did some research and discovered that owls as spirit guides represent clairvoyance and the ability to pierce through the deepest darkness. Which is crazy, because that's almost EXACTLY what my astrological crystal, rainbow obsidian, is supposed to help me do: "transcend darkness" to arrive at some greater clarity. I also read an Apache/Navajo myth about an owl boy who kills his parents because they don't accept him; the whole idea of accepting your inner darkness in order to transcend it resonates really deeply with me right now, in light of my thesis (Eliot had a lot to say about this) but also just with the way I'm trying to resolve my inner demons in general. I thought a lot about this as I was hiking up Mount Morrow. I'm still not sure exactly what the connection is between the stone and the owl, though, or why there need to be two symbols for something so similar...there's a piece of the puzzle I don't have yet.
"Home is where one starts from. As we grow older
The world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated
Of dead and living. Not the intense moment
Isolated, with no before and after,
But a lifetime burning in every moment
And not the lifetime of one man only
But of old stones that cannot be deciphered."
-T. S. Eliot, "East Coker"
Hmm.
Another cool thing that happened: last night I had one of those layered dreams, the kind where you wake up a few times and are still dreaming. Now I know there's that movie Inception which apparently is about that, but I haven't seen it yet, so I'm not just getting carried away. Well maybe I am, but not for that reason. Anyway, here was the dream. At first I was in what I thought was uptown Charlotte, except it was dark (as if there was a blackout) and didn't look like Charlotte, but I knew it was in that dream-logic sense. I lost my car. And everything felt like it was a moving painting, Salvador Dali paintings, including shifting and teleporting people. I was on the second floor of some building. It was nightmarish, but I think it was too awesome for me to be afraid, because I wasn't. Then I "woke up" into the next layer and was talking to Kate, telling her about the painting-dreams. I kept alternating between falling back into the painting-dreams and talking to Kate, and when I was talking to her I felt anchored and safe. This felt very, very real, but strangely enough, the first layer (the Dali-Dreams) felt the most real. This continued until I found my car and it glowed electric pink before I woke up again, this time in a field. But I don't remember waking up in the field; I was just there. Two other friends came out of a van, and I was filling out a form in messy green, pink, yellow, and orange crayon on a newspaper. I had to give it to the Signal editor because it contained information about some prom that happened at least half a year ago. But the editor didn't have her crane anymore. I know it doesn't make sense, I'm just telling it how it was. Then I woke up. It's noteworthy that pink, orange, and yellow really stood out throughout the dream.
So here was my day, immediately following that dream: I went through the whole brightly colored green and purple Concord Mills Mall looking for jobs, and then went to NoDa, met some new friends, saw the Toubab Krewe, and jammed with the drum circle there until 3 AM. After we'd been playing for over half an hour, one of the drummers, a young hippie with awesome dreads, comes over to me.
"That's so great...I'm seeing paintings all over you, man...you're beautiful with that thing."
It felt really good to make this guy so happy with my playing. Then I realized what he'd said: "I'm seeing paintings all over you." And so my day ended the same way my dream began the night before: with paintings. I also happened to be wearing a shirt with a very abstract orange, red, and yellow pattern, which I hadn't connected to the dream until then.
"The pattern more complicated" indeed, Mr. Eliot. What a cool, self-contained day with its own themes and symbols. What is the universe trying to tell me, I wonder?
I'm long overdue for a blog update. So basically fastforward waaay ahead from the way things were last time. No more incessant loneliness or shaken-up identity. I guess I just got over it. I've adjusted, and I've begun to truly enjoy myself here. I'm not sure exactly how it happened. It wasn't like the time toward the end of college when I figured a bunch of very important things out and acted on them to make myself feel better, although it is a return to the state that resulted from that. This just kind of happened. One day it wasn't, next it was. Anyway, I'm not complaining! It's nice to be at peace. :)
Even the problems that were the greatest sources of anxiety for me before have kind of faded into the background. It's like when you're driving away from someone, and there was something else you wanted to say or do, but soon you're so far away that your voice can't carry that far anymore, and you need to look ahead at the road and so can't keep looking back, and soon you've forgotten all about whatever it was that was bothering you when you left...
It's also a little like Dante, when he ascends to a new level of Paradise. He's weightless, and moving upward so fast that before he even realizes that he's moving, it appears that everything else is growing away from him.
Those metaphors are the best I can do to describe this adjustment.
Other than that, there are the owls. They've been coming up everywhere! I rode down a wooded trail on this amazing bike path I've been exploring, and a huge brown owl immediately swooped in front of me, landed on a tree, stared at me for a moment, and flew off. A couple days later I was at the gallery crawl in NoDa and I bought a lavender-stuffed owl to help me sleep (sleeping is not a problem anymore, thankfully). I then walked into a gallery and noticed that I was looking at a large painting of an owl. I looked at another picture, and noticed that owls were also its subject, except more abstract and energy-like. As I looked around it dawned on me that the entire exhibit was nothing but paintings of owls. And at the end of the hall, there were two live owls perched calmly on branches; they'd been brought there by the raptor center. So this was all pretty mind-blowing. Then I saw an owl statue on a dock a few days later.
I did some research and discovered that owls as spirit guides represent clairvoyance and the ability to pierce through the deepest darkness. Which is crazy, because that's almost EXACTLY what my astrological crystal, rainbow obsidian, is supposed to help me do: "transcend darkness" to arrive at some greater clarity. I also read an Apache/Navajo myth about an owl boy who kills his parents because they don't accept him; the whole idea of accepting your inner darkness in order to transcend it resonates really deeply with me right now, in light of my thesis (Eliot had a lot to say about this) but also just with the way I'm trying to resolve my inner demons in general. I thought a lot about this as I was hiking up Mount Morrow. I'm still not sure exactly what the connection is between the stone and the owl, though, or why there need to be two symbols for something so similar...there's a piece of the puzzle I don't have yet.
"Home is where one starts from. As we grow older
The world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated
Of dead and living. Not the intense moment
Isolated, with no before and after,
But a lifetime burning in every moment
And not the lifetime of one man only
But of old stones that cannot be deciphered."
-T. S. Eliot, "East Coker"
Hmm.
Another cool thing that happened: last night I had one of those layered dreams, the kind where you wake up a few times and are still dreaming. Now I know there's that movie Inception which apparently is about that, but I haven't seen it yet, so I'm not just getting carried away. Well maybe I am, but not for that reason. Anyway, here was the dream. At first I was in what I thought was uptown Charlotte, except it was dark (as if there was a blackout) and didn't look like Charlotte, but I knew it was in that dream-logic sense. I lost my car. And everything felt like it was a moving painting, Salvador Dali paintings, including shifting and teleporting people. I was on the second floor of some building. It was nightmarish, but I think it was too awesome for me to be afraid, because I wasn't. Then I "woke up" into the next layer and was talking to Kate, telling her about the painting-dreams. I kept alternating between falling back into the painting-dreams and talking to Kate, and when I was talking to her I felt anchored and safe. This felt very, very real, but strangely enough, the first layer (the Dali-Dreams) felt the most real. This continued until I found my car and it glowed electric pink before I woke up again, this time in a field. But I don't remember waking up in the field; I was just there. Two other friends came out of a van, and I was filling out a form in messy green, pink, yellow, and orange crayon on a newspaper. I had to give it to the Signal editor because it contained information about some prom that happened at least half a year ago. But the editor didn't have her crane anymore. I know it doesn't make sense, I'm just telling it how it was. Then I woke up. It's noteworthy that pink, orange, and yellow really stood out throughout the dream.
So here was my day, immediately following that dream: I went through the whole brightly colored green and purple Concord Mills Mall looking for jobs, and then went to NoDa, met some new friends, saw the Toubab Krewe, and jammed with the drum circle there until 3 AM. After we'd been playing for over half an hour, one of the drummers, a young hippie with awesome dreads, comes over to me.
"That's so great...I'm seeing paintings all over you, man...you're beautiful with that thing."
It felt really good to make this guy so happy with my playing. Then I realized what he'd said: "I'm seeing paintings all over you." And so my day ended the same way my dream began the night before: with paintings. I also happened to be wearing a shirt with a very abstract orange, red, and yellow pattern, which I hadn't connected to the dream until then.
"The pattern more complicated" indeed, Mr. Eliot. What a cool, self-contained day with its own themes and symbols. What is the universe trying to tell me, I wonder?
Friday, June 25, 2010
Writing in the quilt
I've applied for about 30 jobs now, so I'm gonna wait and see and hope I get one...god I feel terrible and wish I could spend even a moment with any of my friends. Being yanked out of your entire life is really hard to adjust to. I feel like a traumatized goldfish who's had his bowl switched really abruptly.
Trying to learn how to play blues on my harmonica. I went into the woods in the park near the house and found a good rock to sit on and practice. Somehow I think playing music on a rock deep in the forest would make me feel a bit better. Hopefully I'll stick with it.
I went to a really cool gallery yesterday and saw some amazing quilts with pictures composed of fragmented patterns. One was a wedding taking place in a cathedral that was also a forest when you look at it a different way, and another was a waterfall called "Looking Glass Falls." The quilts had writing stitched throughout their pictures, and it was very hard to see, but I made this out in the waterfall quilt:
"Try to remember the running water so clean and clear that you can see the tiniest fish and all the colors in the tiniest pebbles. Try to remember that cold sparkling water running tickly over your toes smelling so fresh and making you thirsty. When you remember be a good steward of the clear clean fresh water that you encounter in your life."
Water's been quite a powerful symbol over the past few years. Coming into and out of our lives, sometimes missing or very hard to find, more significant as an absence. I wonder where it is here...and I hope when I find it, I take good care of it, and appreciate it.
"If there were water
And no rock
If there were rock
And also water
And water
A spring
A pool among the rock
If there were the sound of water only
Not the cicada
And dry grass singing
But sound of water over a rock
Where the hermit-thrush sings in the pine trees
Drip drop drip drop drop drop drop
But there is no water"
-T. S. Eliot, The Waste Land
Trying to learn how to play blues on my harmonica. I went into the woods in the park near the house and found a good rock to sit on and practice. Somehow I think playing music on a rock deep in the forest would make me feel a bit better. Hopefully I'll stick with it.
I went to a really cool gallery yesterday and saw some amazing quilts with pictures composed of fragmented patterns. One was a wedding taking place in a cathedral that was also a forest when you look at it a different way, and another was a waterfall called "Looking Glass Falls." The quilts had writing stitched throughout their pictures, and it was very hard to see, but I made this out in the waterfall quilt:
"Try to remember the running water so clean and clear that you can see the tiniest fish and all the colors in the tiniest pebbles. Try to remember that cold sparkling water running tickly over your toes smelling so fresh and making you thirsty. When you remember be a good steward of the clear clean fresh water that you encounter in your life."
Water's been quite a powerful symbol over the past few years. Coming into and out of our lives, sometimes missing or very hard to find, more significant as an absence. I wonder where it is here...and I hope when I find it, I take good care of it, and appreciate it.
"If there were water
And no rock
If there were rock
And also water
And water
A spring
A pool among the rock
If there were the sound of water only
Not the cicada
And dry grass singing
But sound of water over a rock
Where the hermit-thrush sings in the pine trees
Drip drop drip drop drop drop drop
But there is no water"
-T. S. Eliot, The Waste Land
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
When love is most nearly itself
"Ridiculous the waste sad time
Stretching before and after."
"Home is where one starts from. As we grow older
the world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated
.........
There is a time for the evening under starlight,
A time for the evening under lamplight
(The evening with the photograph album).
Love is most nearly itself
When here and now cease to matter."
-T. S. Eliot, "East Coker"
I've already started feeling a little better than I did when I wrote the last post. For most of my life I've thrived on change, even big change; sure I had a whole lot of trouble with the changes of the past two years, but anyone would. I think my double-fire-sign nature is starting to forge me into a stronger person. I can feel myself adjusting to this new lifestyle, one day at a time.
I felt really productive today for the first time since moving, which was awesome. I LOVE getting lost in my work, no matter what that work is. Today I started planning books to read for the GRE lit subject test (which contains nearly all books ever written, ever) and updated my resume template (a basic version for tweaking) quite a bit. It just felt good to be doing something that means I'm going somewhere.
On the other hand, I think it's also helping me to realize that I've been far too focused on where I'm going or where I've been and not focused enough on where I AM, a problem I fall into every so often. As soon as I stop thinking about this period in my life as some weird void between steps, I start feeling better and treating myself differently. For instance, I think I've been pushing myself way too hard to make friends. I made a few, which is really nice, but I before the move I started to get better at nurturing myself by harnessing my inner adult's ability to do so. And that is a very good step toward enjoying myself here. I'm not waiting to be happy until I make a bunch of friends or find a particular niche again; I can take care of myself right now, in this moment. "Ridiculous the sad waste time before and after," says Eliot, and he's a smart guy. That time doesn't matter, or matters only as it's a part of now. There's a time for everything, as Ecclesiastes says and Eliot echoes, a time for the nostalgia of "the evening with the photograph album" and a time for the actual experience. But love is itself in all times. Hence "Love is most nearly itself / When here and now cease to matter." The specifics of this moment don't matter, since the love that exists and composes what I care about in life exists regardless of time and space. It goes back to the last post, with people we love being not objects of our fulfillment; their happiness is an end in itself, as is their love. And that isn't affected by distance or time. Even if it diminishes over time, the memory of the feeling and one's care for people may not, and those memories themselves are feelings that help compose the present moment.
Wow, did not mean to get off on a philosophical rant, but I like using this space for things like that, it's fun and a good outlet. I should've kept a real journal years ago...I'm actually wondering how the public/private factor plays into this now, since this is the kind of stuff I'd be writing in a personal hand-written journal. I could just keep this blog for stuff I'm doing that people might wanna read about, but why force myself to be superficial? If I'm gonna write, I'm gonna write, and it might as well be organic.
Thinking about things related to these Eliot quotes got me away from thinking of another quote that happens to appear earlier in the same poem: "The dancers are all gone under the hill." "East Coker" is focused on the Earth element and has a lot to do with the role of death in time. I got a little wrapped up in the beautiful, simple finality of that line for a while, and it was making me focus a little too much on what's gone. But I guess that's why the rest of the poem exists. Eliot went on a spiritual journey to write these things. Very few things happen instantaneously, including acceptance of the present.
Since graduating, I've started reading the news every morning, meditating twice a day, completely cutting out fast food from my diet, walking more, reading for fun again, and writing a lot. I also took my first yoga class today, which was amazing (there were only four of us and the teacher played Iron and Wine and Regina Spektor the whole time). And none of this feels like I'm putting too much pressure on myself; they're all changes that happened naturally. The only pressure I've put on myself was to make a new social network immediately and so kind of recreate something like the life I had before. But now that I think of all these healthy new habits, not least of which is the fact that I'm spending more time with myself, maybe I really don't need to reach for the past this time. Maybe this is my chance to finally let go of all that desire and let right now just be right now...for now.
And if I do that, maybe I'll realize I haven't lost anything at all. This could be when love is most nearly itself.
Stretching before and after."
"Home is where one starts from. As we grow older
the world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated
.........
There is a time for the evening under starlight,
A time for the evening under lamplight
(The evening with the photograph album).
Love is most nearly itself
When here and now cease to matter."
-T. S. Eliot, "East Coker"
I've already started feeling a little better than I did when I wrote the last post. For most of my life I've thrived on change, even big change; sure I had a whole lot of trouble with the changes of the past two years, but anyone would. I think my double-fire-sign nature is starting to forge me into a stronger person. I can feel myself adjusting to this new lifestyle, one day at a time.
I felt really productive today for the first time since moving, which was awesome. I LOVE getting lost in my work, no matter what that work is. Today I started planning books to read for the GRE lit subject test (which contains nearly all books ever written, ever) and updated my resume template (a basic version for tweaking) quite a bit. It just felt good to be doing something that means I'm going somewhere.
On the other hand, I think it's also helping me to realize that I've been far too focused on where I'm going or where I've been and not focused enough on where I AM, a problem I fall into every so often. As soon as I stop thinking about this period in my life as some weird void between steps, I start feeling better and treating myself differently. For instance, I think I've been pushing myself way too hard to make friends. I made a few, which is really nice, but I before the move I started to get better at nurturing myself by harnessing my inner adult's ability to do so. And that is a very good step toward enjoying myself here. I'm not waiting to be happy until I make a bunch of friends or find a particular niche again; I can take care of myself right now, in this moment. "Ridiculous the sad waste time before and after," says Eliot, and he's a smart guy. That time doesn't matter, or matters only as it's a part of now. There's a time for everything, as Ecclesiastes says and Eliot echoes, a time for the nostalgia of "the evening with the photograph album" and a time for the actual experience. But love is itself in all times. Hence "Love is most nearly itself / When here and now cease to matter." The specifics of this moment don't matter, since the love that exists and composes what I care about in life exists regardless of time and space. It goes back to the last post, with people we love being not objects of our fulfillment; their happiness is an end in itself, as is their love. And that isn't affected by distance or time. Even if it diminishes over time, the memory of the feeling and one's care for people may not, and those memories themselves are feelings that help compose the present moment.
Wow, did not mean to get off on a philosophical rant, but I like using this space for things like that, it's fun and a good outlet. I should've kept a real journal years ago...I'm actually wondering how the public/private factor plays into this now, since this is the kind of stuff I'd be writing in a personal hand-written journal. I could just keep this blog for stuff I'm doing that people might wanna read about, but why force myself to be superficial? If I'm gonna write, I'm gonna write, and it might as well be organic.
Thinking about things related to these Eliot quotes got me away from thinking of another quote that happens to appear earlier in the same poem: "The dancers are all gone under the hill." "East Coker" is focused on the Earth element and has a lot to do with the role of death in time. I got a little wrapped up in the beautiful, simple finality of that line for a while, and it was making me focus a little too much on what's gone. But I guess that's why the rest of the poem exists. Eliot went on a spiritual journey to write these things. Very few things happen instantaneously, including acceptance of the present.
Since graduating, I've started reading the news every morning, meditating twice a day, completely cutting out fast food from my diet, walking more, reading for fun again, and writing a lot. I also took my first yoga class today, which was amazing (there were only four of us and the teacher played Iron and Wine and Regina Spektor the whole time). And none of this feels like I'm putting too much pressure on myself; they're all changes that happened naturally. The only pressure I've put on myself was to make a new social network immediately and so kind of recreate something like the life I had before. But now that I think of all these healthy new habits, not least of which is the fact that I'm spending more time with myself, maybe I really don't need to reach for the past this time. Maybe this is my chance to finally let go of all that desire and let right now just be right now...for now.
And if I do that, maybe I'll realize I haven't lost anything at all. This could be when love is most nearly itself.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Pyramid of the future; actually a practical matter, believe it or not
During the past few days reality's really start to set in. Despite all my previous excitement, which was really only one side of the coin anyway, I'm now entering the phase where I have to come to accept that so many things have changed, and changed for good. And it's painful, as I expected it to be and as it makes sense for it to be. I've never felt so much like the rug's been pulled right out from under me. I've dealt with my share of loss in the past couple of years, so I know I can handle it, but it still sucks at the moment. I'm not gonna go into a whiney rant about it, but I'm not the picture of happy at the moment...
I can't complain about Charlotte. As a place to live it's pretty great for the most part. The gay community here is the only truly disappointing thing so far, and even that is better than anywhere else I've been. I've been talking to some knowledgeable guys from an LGBT Center here and it seems there aren't too many places other than bars or clubs where gay people my age get together, and there's also a lot of the cliquishness that's an unfortunate problem in lgbt communities apparently. Most of the gay people I've met are older and in relationships. I did meet one guy today my age who seems like he could be a good friend, which is cool. But at this point I'm pretty much starting to think that God just wants me to be single for a good long while, and I can't say I'm okay with that, but I'll just have to suck it up and deal with the frustration like I always do.
Alright, so much for no whining, but I guess this is as good a place as any to vent...I know happiness is a rare wonder, but I just wish that the truly happy periods in my life could last more than a couple of weeks. I was doing so well in terms of getting over depression and finding a true sense of myself during the last month I lived in Ewing, and now that's being really shaken up, and I feel as though I'm struggling to keep a sense of myself. I'm having trouble sleeping because I keep lying awake thinking "What is going on right now? What happened to everything?" I know there are probably a lot of exciting things in my future, but right now I feel like I'm in a weird void and am just waiting to get on with my life.
I did come up with one positive way of thinking about some of these things one night. I was thinking about how intimidating the future seems to me; everything seems to have more dire consequences than usual. I have to find a job; if I don't, I can't save up enough to leave here or even to visit home and see my friends again. I have to do well on the GRE, or else I could sabotage my chances at a PhD program, which I have to get into if I ever want a career track job, but I can't start unless I have a job that's paid me enough so I can afford an apartment. Then when I do get into a PhD program I have to do extremely well in it for 7-10 years. So I was thinking about all that being daunting, but then I came up with a way of looking at it that helps. Instead of thinking of all these things bearing down on me at once, I'm thinking of a pyramid. Each level of the pyramid builds upon the foundation of the last one. That doesn't mean that each successive step is easier; it just means that each step has a greater and stronger foundation to be built on. So for example, the first and biggest step is learning to live without being surrounded by my support network and accepting what fate's thrown my way. That's the step I'm working on right now, and it's probably the hardest (I know most people would tell me facing the job market and the PhD are harder, but I know myself and know that the emotional part of all this will be way more difficult than the practical part, because, to be honest, I know I can do it. I just need to get there.). So now I can just let myself focus on dealing with this loss and change. Once I get through that, I can move onto the next step, getting a job, having the foundation of the previous step (emotional peace) to support me and not having to worry about the future steps because I build them one at a time. The next few steps might be taking the GREs, getting an apartment, and applying for PhD programs, not necessarily in that order. But I think if I apply the same philosophy to this that I applied to my thesis, I'll be just fine: take it in small pieces, one steady-paced step at a time, and don't get psyched out by the big picture. I'll know when it's time to put the pieces together. Like Professor Venturo always told me: "Make wood is hard to grow." His grandmother said that. I love that saying, especially when it's said in an Irish accent.
So I think I have a handle on how I'm going to deal with the pressure of "the future." But that still leaves this first, and most difficult, step: dealing with the loss of what feels like my previous life and managing to find what makes me happy here. I'm really happy I've been keeping in touch with people from home so far, and I'm going to make sure I continue that. I know that physical distance doesn't really matter between loved ones, because people don't just exist as objects of our satisfaction. They exist as people whom we want to be happy, so that THEY, not just we, will be happy. In other words, friendships aren't just about fulfilling yourself; they're about fulfilling the people you're friends with out of a genuine desire to do so. Although being in close proximity is really nice, it's the care between people that matters, the care FOR one another, my care that you're okay and your care that I'm okay, and that shouldn't be weakened by distance. And I know I have friendships in which it won't be.
So, ima keep on truckin', and keep my chin up, and all that, and I know that I'll start feeling better about all this soon enough. How I feel right now is to be expected, and to be borne like everything else in life. And even though I sometimes feel like I'm struggling a bit to keep the sense of self and stability I had before the move, I have to keep reminding myself of how much worse it would be if I HADN'T had that strength to draw on before I left! The universe never seems to throw anything my way I can't handle...though it sure feels like it throws as much as I can handle.
In better news, I've made a few new friends! I met a guy and his girlfriend, Zach and Nina, in NoDa. They were walking an awesome greyhound and I stopped to pet it. I was going to walk away but I forced myself to do a 180 and talk to them, since I knew that was the only way I was going to meet anyone. We ended up talking for a bit, getting a beer together at the Dog Bar (a bar where dogs are allowed in, they jump up on the counter and stuff, it's awesome), and hanging out there for an hour. I watched the world cup game with Zach yesterday too at a bar filled with really enthusiastic fans (I think I could actually get into Soccer! What do ya know). Turns out the culture here's a little different than in New Jersey and New York; random people on the street and in social places actually WANT to talk to you and be friendly, as opposed to thinking you're crazy or want something from them if you even say hello. I met another guy named Shawn because he liked my beard and started talking to me. So all you need is a cool dog or a cool beard, and you got friends. Zach and Nina seem like really awesome people, too. Nina helps run a multi-state non-profit that works with homeless people. I thought they were closer to my age; turns out they're a few years older, but I think we're close enough in age so we can still chill out and relate to each other. I'm honestly a little worried about the "gay factor" and how that might play into any new friendships I make here; that's part of what sucks about the move is that I don't have any support network of people who know about that part of me here. But I'm pretty certain that the people I've met so far wouldn't care very much, especially being connected to social work and all. They seem like they have good hearts. This morning I also had brunch with some guys from the LGBT center and a guy named Dan who is my age, and he's helping organize a "Pride Band" that'll start in August. I'm thinking about joining it; I haven't been in a formal band in a couple of years, and it could be a lot of fun! Maybe a good way of meeting people, too. So I've got a couple months to practice...
I can't complain about Charlotte. As a place to live it's pretty great for the most part. The gay community here is the only truly disappointing thing so far, and even that is better than anywhere else I've been. I've been talking to some knowledgeable guys from an LGBT Center here and it seems there aren't too many places other than bars or clubs where gay people my age get together, and there's also a lot of the cliquishness that's an unfortunate problem in lgbt communities apparently. Most of the gay people I've met are older and in relationships. I did meet one guy today my age who seems like he could be a good friend, which is cool. But at this point I'm pretty much starting to think that God just wants me to be single for a good long while, and I can't say I'm okay with that, but I'll just have to suck it up and deal with the frustration like I always do.
Alright, so much for no whining, but I guess this is as good a place as any to vent...I know happiness is a rare wonder, but I just wish that the truly happy periods in my life could last more than a couple of weeks. I was doing so well in terms of getting over depression and finding a true sense of myself during the last month I lived in Ewing, and now that's being really shaken up, and I feel as though I'm struggling to keep a sense of myself. I'm having trouble sleeping because I keep lying awake thinking "What is going on right now? What happened to everything?" I know there are probably a lot of exciting things in my future, but right now I feel like I'm in a weird void and am just waiting to get on with my life.
I did come up with one positive way of thinking about some of these things one night. I was thinking about how intimidating the future seems to me; everything seems to have more dire consequences than usual. I have to find a job; if I don't, I can't save up enough to leave here or even to visit home and see my friends again. I have to do well on the GRE, or else I could sabotage my chances at a PhD program, which I have to get into if I ever want a career track job, but I can't start unless I have a job that's paid me enough so I can afford an apartment. Then when I do get into a PhD program I have to do extremely well in it for 7-10 years. So I was thinking about all that being daunting, but then I came up with a way of looking at it that helps. Instead of thinking of all these things bearing down on me at once, I'm thinking of a pyramid. Each level of the pyramid builds upon the foundation of the last one. That doesn't mean that each successive step is easier; it just means that each step has a greater and stronger foundation to be built on. So for example, the first and biggest step is learning to live without being surrounded by my support network and accepting what fate's thrown my way. That's the step I'm working on right now, and it's probably the hardest (I know most people would tell me facing the job market and the PhD are harder, but I know myself and know that the emotional part of all this will be way more difficult than the practical part, because, to be honest, I know I can do it. I just need to get there.). So now I can just let myself focus on dealing with this loss and change. Once I get through that, I can move onto the next step, getting a job, having the foundation of the previous step (emotional peace) to support me and not having to worry about the future steps because I build them one at a time. The next few steps might be taking the GREs, getting an apartment, and applying for PhD programs, not necessarily in that order. But I think if I apply the same philosophy to this that I applied to my thesis, I'll be just fine: take it in small pieces, one steady-paced step at a time, and don't get psyched out by the big picture. I'll know when it's time to put the pieces together. Like Professor Venturo always told me: "Make wood is hard to grow." His grandmother said that. I love that saying, especially when it's said in an Irish accent.
So I think I have a handle on how I'm going to deal with the pressure of "the future." But that still leaves this first, and most difficult, step: dealing with the loss of what feels like my previous life and managing to find what makes me happy here. I'm really happy I've been keeping in touch with people from home so far, and I'm going to make sure I continue that. I know that physical distance doesn't really matter between loved ones, because people don't just exist as objects of our satisfaction. They exist as people whom we want to be happy, so that THEY, not just we, will be happy. In other words, friendships aren't just about fulfilling yourself; they're about fulfilling the people you're friends with out of a genuine desire to do so. Although being in close proximity is really nice, it's the care between people that matters, the care FOR one another, my care that you're okay and your care that I'm okay, and that shouldn't be weakened by distance. And I know I have friendships in which it won't be.
So, ima keep on truckin', and keep my chin up, and all that, and I know that I'll start feeling better about all this soon enough. How I feel right now is to be expected, and to be borne like everything else in life. And even though I sometimes feel like I'm struggling a bit to keep the sense of self and stability I had before the move, I have to keep reminding myself of how much worse it would be if I HADN'T had that strength to draw on before I left! The universe never seems to throw anything my way I can't handle...though it sure feels like it throws as much as I can handle.
In better news, I've made a few new friends! I met a guy and his girlfriend, Zach and Nina, in NoDa. They were walking an awesome greyhound and I stopped to pet it. I was going to walk away but I forced myself to do a 180 and talk to them, since I knew that was the only way I was going to meet anyone. We ended up talking for a bit, getting a beer together at the Dog Bar (a bar where dogs are allowed in, they jump up on the counter and stuff, it's awesome), and hanging out there for an hour. I watched the world cup game with Zach yesterday too at a bar filled with really enthusiastic fans (I think I could actually get into Soccer! What do ya know). Turns out the culture here's a little different than in New Jersey and New York; random people on the street and in social places actually WANT to talk to you and be friendly, as opposed to thinking you're crazy or want something from them if you even say hello. I met another guy named Shawn because he liked my beard and started talking to me. So all you need is a cool dog or a cool beard, and you got friends. Zach and Nina seem like really awesome people, too. Nina helps run a multi-state non-profit that works with homeless people. I thought they were closer to my age; turns out they're a few years older, but I think we're close enough in age so we can still chill out and relate to each other. I'm honestly a little worried about the "gay factor" and how that might play into any new friendships I make here; that's part of what sucks about the move is that I don't have any support network of people who know about that part of me here. But I'm pretty certain that the people I've met so far wouldn't care very much, especially being connected to social work and all. They seem like they have good hearts. This morning I also had brunch with some guys from the LGBT center and a guy named Dan who is my age, and he's helping organize a "Pride Band" that'll start in August. I'm thinking about joining it; I haven't been in a formal band in a couple of years, and it could be a lot of fun! Maybe a good way of meeting people, too. So I've got a couple months to practice...
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
And now I'm confused...
DISCLAIMER: I realize that the way I have been/will be going about looking at and recording my goings-on here is over-the-top, WAY overly mystified, a little corny, and maybe even a bit juvenile. That being said: I LOVE USING MY IMAGINATION. It makes for better writing and a more exciting life. I'm going to assume that this disclaimer has now given me free reign to be as fanciful and/or whimsical as I like. So there, self-consciousness.
And now some quotes:
"I need another place
Will there be peace?
I need another world
This one's nearly gone
Still have too many dreams
Never seen the light
I need another world
A place where I can go..."
-Antony and the Johnsons, "Another World"
"Think what Another World means - you might meet anything."
-C. S. Lewis, "The Magician's Nephew"
"And when she sang, the sea,
Whatever self it had, became the self
That was her song, for she was the maker. Then we,
As we beheld her striding there alone,
Knew that there never was a world for her
Except the one she sang and, singing, made."
-Wallace Stevens, "The Idea of Order at Key West"
Hooray for quotes!
So here's the way it usually seems to work for me ("it" being the universe unfolding one baby step at a time). In the beginning of The Waste Land, a spiritually dead quack of a fortune-teller lays out a bunch of tarot cards for her client without offering much interpretation except the cryptic "Fear death by water." As that poem and those following it go on, the symbols first revealed in the cards recur, gain significance, become more real. In the end they finally reach a culminating point and are put to rest, one by one. The result is that the physical symbols themselves never meant much themselves at all. It's what we're left with, after the death of water, fire, earth, and air, that truly is our experience. I've found this to be completely true in my life so far, even if not in the divine way Eliot seems to have intended it. In other words: after all the things that come up again and again in my life have resolved themselves, what I'm inevitably left with is the meaning that lay behind them the whole time, the meaning they were pointing to, something I created myself and took so much time to become aware of.
This is the true purpose and meaning of a symbol.
My friend Kate and I have been talking about crystals lately, and I think this is a good explanation of the role they may end up playing in our lives...maybe.
Anyway......... :)
As I was saying before I got off on a tangent, this seems to be the way things play out for me. A set of symbols reveal themselves, I develop them in my head as I notice them again and again in difference contexts, and eventually they leave me with something important. I can already feel this happening as I start my time living in Charlotte, which makes me really, really happy. While 95% of me knows that this is just how my brain works and will always happen, there's that nagging 5% that wonders, "Is NOTHING going to happen during this time?" But I don't think spiritual journeys really work that way; even when it seems like nothing's happening, something's happening. Nothing is something. But nothing's not happening now anyway.
Here are the things coming up a lot right now.
There are the doors, and the whole idea of another world. That makes sense, given the whole "I'm going to move ten hours from everything I've ever known" thing. Check. I just started reading the Chronicles of Narnia, and just finished the first book. In that book there's something called the Wood Between Worlds. It's a forest full of pools, and each pool leads to a different world. Forests have been sprouting up a lot lately, and I feel there's some interesting connection between the forest and the ocean, which I feel a HUGE spiritual connection to. Some connection beside the obvious one that they're both large parts of the planet and remind one of infinity. Though maybe related to that... Recently I've started to wonder if the periods in my life were going to correspond to the four elements in some way, but I think it'll end up being more complicated than that.
Then there start to be less clear things. The book I just read deals a lot with an evil Queen and a city she's destroyed, the city being one of the worlds the main characters end up in after jumping into a puddle. "Hmph," I thought, "That's kind of cool." Then I remembered that I've just moved to a city for the first time, a city that happens to be affectionately called by ALL its residents "The Queen's City." Hmm. I see, said the blind man... Well it'll be interesting to see if this queen thing comes up again (and I have a feeling it will). Queen Charlotte herself was far from evil; she was actually the first anti-war monarch in Europe, she introduced the Christmas Tree to England, and she had a crapload of kids. I know this because the people of the city LOVE to talk about her, and there are various creepy cardboard cutouts of her in random places. Plus the tallest skyscraper has a crown-shaped collection of spikes at the top and every street sign and garbage can has a little crown on it, the symbol of the city. Seriously. I wonder how this is all going to unfold.
Then there are the crystals. It started when Kate told me about her friends' crystal hunt in New Hope, and from there they've been gaining steam. I was hiking in the nearby huge awesome nature preserve near my house yesterday, and as I was walking I found some shiny stones on the ground that I think ended up being calcite. I took one home with me. Tomorrow I think I'm gonna go hunting for Rainbow Obsidian (my crystal, according to the Book of Destiny Kate and I found in New Hope) in the city.
Yes, I'm going to not live ENTIRELY in Adam-dream-land and go find a job and hopefully do some volunteer work very soon, but hey, it's only my fourth day here and I'm getting used to things and coming to terms with being far away, and what better way to do that than to immerse myself in some imaginative fun and questing? Plus, even though I'm writing mostly about this stuff here, I've been attending to practical matters as well...got a new bank account (one of the bank attendants seems to want to hang out with me, first friend maybe?), new car insurance, figuring out where everything is, and such. I trust myself to not get so lost in thoughts as to forget that I've got a life to get on with. I think things are going just fine at the moment. :)
So we've got the doors, new worlds, forests, Queens, and crystals...at least it's not too fanciful. Pssshh. There's the latest set of symbols...I can't wait to see where it all goes.
I've decided that I'm glad I'm using this blog as an outlet for this sort of thing, because I want my next creative writing project to be less autobiographical. I'll probably end up incorporating a lot of these themes, but I definitely want it to be less explicitly about ME. Time to write something a little less self-centered...and using this as a journal will let me do that without exploding, since I love writing all this down.
All that being said, here's some other stuff that's been happening here lately. I went to that club, the Dharma Lounge, the other night. It was mad awkward. I tried talking to the hand-stamper at the entrance and the bartender, but it didn't amount to much, I think they just thought that I was odd. I definitely felt like That Guy, the weirdo who gets a beer and sits in the corner drinking it by himself, and then leaves. Wow.
I left for a bit and walked into the city, since it was 11 and the bartender said the place didn't get exciting until 12:30. I couldn't believe how hopping the place was even at midnight; I'm still getting used to the idea that I live in a legit city now. It really sunk in as I was walking across a bridge with the lit-up skyline in front of me, a highway below me, and a biker gang speeding past the side of me. It looked like there were a lot of awesome things to do. The only down side is that they were all things that you kind of need to do WITH someone...I hope I manage to make some friends soon. Although the time with myself is definitely good for me. Still.
The highlight of the night was probably what happened when I went back to the club. I was sweating my BALLS off, since it's like 90 degrees here even at night. I went to wait on the entrance line, looked over my shoulder, and jumped. Because there was a guy in a gorilla suit behind me. He gave me a thumbs up. In my desperation for companionship I immediately started thinking, "Maybe I could be friends with the Gorilla...maybe I should start talking up the gorilla. Maybe the gorilla also doesn't have any friends here. It must be hard to be in a gorilla suit and have any sort of casual friendships." But I ruled out that idea pretty quickly.
The gorilla went into the club and started dancing with random people. Then the dance floor cleared to make room for a fight between the gorilla and a guy dressed as a lizard. The lizard fell first, then made a comeback and triumphed (to the Rocky theme, of course). As all this was going on there were godzilla movies being played on big TV screens near the ceiling. Watching the fight was fun, but standing awkwardly alone in the club full of people who knew each other wasn't, so I left when it was over.
Not wanting to throw in the towel yet, I drove to NoDa, that awesome area with all the live music and stuff. When I say drove, I really mean hurtled, since my gps took me in every wrong way possible and on every highway possible, and I strangely found the whole thing kind of fun even though half the time I had no idea where I was going or what the speed limit was and felt a little like I was going to die. But whatever, I got there. And even though it was 1 AM, a live funk band called "In Ur Pocket" was just finishing a set outside the Salvador Deli. There were all sorts of people dancing. There was also a dog, and a bunch of people clapping at the dog and trying to get the dog to dance. Overall I really liked this group and actually made myself dance a bit with them despite being nervous and shy. It's amazing how much fun you can have with people even if no words are exchanged at all (and never have been). I did end up talking with two guys there, Josh and Tom, who were really friendly and wanted me to come back again.
When that band finished another started across the street at the Revolution pizza and ale house (which is amazingly delicious). I walked over there and some girl my age shouted out a greeting. I looked over my shoulder three (yes, THREE) times to see if she was talking to someone else, but it was me. I think she thought I was kinda goofy, and she put out her fist for me to pound, which I did. She then resumed her evening. I probably should have tried talking to her more, but I was tired and kind of confused and nervous, so I just left instead. Lame, but next time I'll try harder to put myself out there. At least I danced a little!
So that night was quite the excellent adventure.
In other news, I found a new bunker!! (If anyone's reading who's familiar with the graffiti-filled bunker under TCNJ's smaller lake). I saw one sticking up out of a lake in the park near my house, walked to the other side of the ridge, and sure enough found a pipe to walk into, straddling the water like in ours. There was no graffiti in this one, but it was still cool. I'd like to pop my head out of the surface of the water and surprise some hikers sometime, maybe... :p
Now I'm getting ready to go to bed, listening to the train go by outside. It's kind of calming to hear it every night.
I'll keep posting my latest adventures here. Despite how happy all this sounds, I was kind of down a little today and yesterday, just the general feelings that are to be expected when making this kind of change and grieving for the world left behind. But I know I'll see my friends again soon enough, and I've already been talking to some of you, for which I am extremely grateful :) The people meant to stay in my life will be there despite any physical distance, and those that aren't meant to stay will always have added something to my life. I've dealt with plenty of loss before and at this point I know how to handle it; it'll hurt for a while but I'll certainly move past it. I guess I just feel a little like one of the souls in Dante's world: I hope people remember that I exist.
Don't be shy about hitting me up and saying hi though :) I miss everyone.
Crystal-hunting tomorrow...probably the DMV the next day...sweet.
And now some quotes:
"I need another place
Will there be peace?
I need another world
This one's nearly gone
Still have too many dreams
Never seen the light
I need another world
A place where I can go..."
-Antony and the Johnsons, "Another World"
"Think what Another World means - you might meet anything."
-C. S. Lewis, "The Magician's Nephew"
"And when she sang, the sea,
Whatever self it had, became the self
That was her song, for she was the maker. Then we,
As we beheld her striding there alone,
Knew that there never was a world for her
Except the one she sang and, singing, made."
-Wallace Stevens, "The Idea of Order at Key West"
Hooray for quotes!
So here's the way it usually seems to work for me ("it" being the universe unfolding one baby step at a time). In the beginning of The Waste Land, a spiritually dead quack of a fortune-teller lays out a bunch of tarot cards for her client without offering much interpretation except the cryptic "Fear death by water." As that poem and those following it go on, the symbols first revealed in the cards recur, gain significance, become more real. In the end they finally reach a culminating point and are put to rest, one by one. The result is that the physical symbols themselves never meant much themselves at all. It's what we're left with, after the death of water, fire, earth, and air, that truly is our experience. I've found this to be completely true in my life so far, even if not in the divine way Eliot seems to have intended it. In other words: after all the things that come up again and again in my life have resolved themselves, what I'm inevitably left with is the meaning that lay behind them the whole time, the meaning they were pointing to, something I created myself and took so much time to become aware of.
This is the true purpose and meaning of a symbol.
My friend Kate and I have been talking about crystals lately, and I think this is a good explanation of the role they may end up playing in our lives...maybe.
Anyway......... :)
As I was saying before I got off on a tangent, this seems to be the way things play out for me. A set of symbols reveal themselves, I develop them in my head as I notice them again and again in difference contexts, and eventually they leave me with something important. I can already feel this happening as I start my time living in Charlotte, which makes me really, really happy. While 95% of me knows that this is just how my brain works and will always happen, there's that nagging 5% that wonders, "Is NOTHING going to happen during this time?" But I don't think spiritual journeys really work that way; even when it seems like nothing's happening, something's happening. Nothing is something. But nothing's not happening now anyway.
Here are the things coming up a lot right now.
There are the doors, and the whole idea of another world. That makes sense, given the whole "I'm going to move ten hours from everything I've ever known" thing. Check. I just started reading the Chronicles of Narnia, and just finished the first book. In that book there's something called the Wood Between Worlds. It's a forest full of pools, and each pool leads to a different world. Forests have been sprouting up a lot lately, and I feel there's some interesting connection between the forest and the ocean, which I feel a HUGE spiritual connection to. Some connection beside the obvious one that they're both large parts of the planet and remind one of infinity. Though maybe related to that... Recently I've started to wonder if the periods in my life were going to correspond to the four elements in some way, but I think it'll end up being more complicated than that.
Then there start to be less clear things. The book I just read deals a lot with an evil Queen and a city she's destroyed, the city being one of the worlds the main characters end up in after jumping into a puddle. "Hmph," I thought, "That's kind of cool." Then I remembered that I've just moved to a city for the first time, a city that happens to be affectionately called by ALL its residents "The Queen's City." Hmm. I see, said the blind man... Well it'll be interesting to see if this queen thing comes up again (and I have a feeling it will). Queen Charlotte herself was far from evil; she was actually the first anti-war monarch in Europe, she introduced the Christmas Tree to England, and she had a crapload of kids. I know this because the people of the city LOVE to talk about her, and there are various creepy cardboard cutouts of her in random places. Plus the tallest skyscraper has a crown-shaped collection of spikes at the top and every street sign and garbage can has a little crown on it, the symbol of the city. Seriously. I wonder how this is all going to unfold.
Then there are the crystals. It started when Kate told me about her friends' crystal hunt in New Hope, and from there they've been gaining steam. I was hiking in the nearby huge awesome nature preserve near my house yesterday, and as I was walking I found some shiny stones on the ground that I think ended up being calcite. I took one home with me. Tomorrow I think I'm gonna go hunting for Rainbow Obsidian (my crystal, according to the Book of Destiny Kate and I found in New Hope) in the city.
Yes, I'm going to not live ENTIRELY in Adam-dream-land and go find a job and hopefully do some volunteer work very soon, but hey, it's only my fourth day here and I'm getting used to things and coming to terms with being far away, and what better way to do that than to immerse myself in some imaginative fun and questing? Plus, even though I'm writing mostly about this stuff here, I've been attending to practical matters as well...got a new bank account (one of the bank attendants seems to want to hang out with me, first friend maybe?), new car insurance, figuring out where everything is, and such. I trust myself to not get so lost in thoughts as to forget that I've got a life to get on with. I think things are going just fine at the moment. :)
So we've got the doors, new worlds, forests, Queens, and crystals...at least it's not too fanciful. Pssshh. There's the latest set of symbols...I can't wait to see where it all goes.
I've decided that I'm glad I'm using this blog as an outlet for this sort of thing, because I want my next creative writing project to be less autobiographical. I'll probably end up incorporating a lot of these themes, but I definitely want it to be less explicitly about ME. Time to write something a little less self-centered...and using this as a journal will let me do that without exploding, since I love writing all this down.
All that being said, here's some other stuff that's been happening here lately. I went to that club, the Dharma Lounge, the other night. It was mad awkward. I tried talking to the hand-stamper at the entrance and the bartender, but it didn't amount to much, I think they just thought that I was odd. I definitely felt like That Guy, the weirdo who gets a beer and sits in the corner drinking it by himself, and then leaves. Wow.
I left for a bit and walked into the city, since it was 11 and the bartender said the place didn't get exciting until 12:30. I couldn't believe how hopping the place was even at midnight; I'm still getting used to the idea that I live in a legit city now. It really sunk in as I was walking across a bridge with the lit-up skyline in front of me, a highway below me, and a biker gang speeding past the side of me. It looked like there were a lot of awesome things to do. The only down side is that they were all things that you kind of need to do WITH someone...I hope I manage to make some friends soon. Although the time with myself is definitely good for me. Still.
The highlight of the night was probably what happened when I went back to the club. I was sweating my BALLS off, since it's like 90 degrees here even at night. I went to wait on the entrance line, looked over my shoulder, and jumped. Because there was a guy in a gorilla suit behind me. He gave me a thumbs up. In my desperation for companionship I immediately started thinking, "Maybe I could be friends with the Gorilla...maybe I should start talking up the gorilla. Maybe the gorilla also doesn't have any friends here. It must be hard to be in a gorilla suit and have any sort of casual friendships." But I ruled out that idea pretty quickly.
The gorilla went into the club and started dancing with random people. Then the dance floor cleared to make room for a fight between the gorilla and a guy dressed as a lizard. The lizard fell first, then made a comeback and triumphed (to the Rocky theme, of course). As all this was going on there were godzilla movies being played on big TV screens near the ceiling. Watching the fight was fun, but standing awkwardly alone in the club full of people who knew each other wasn't, so I left when it was over.
Not wanting to throw in the towel yet, I drove to NoDa, that awesome area with all the live music and stuff. When I say drove, I really mean hurtled, since my gps took me in every wrong way possible and on every highway possible, and I strangely found the whole thing kind of fun even though half the time I had no idea where I was going or what the speed limit was and felt a little like I was going to die. But whatever, I got there. And even though it was 1 AM, a live funk band called "In Ur Pocket" was just finishing a set outside the Salvador Deli. There were all sorts of people dancing. There was also a dog, and a bunch of people clapping at the dog and trying to get the dog to dance. Overall I really liked this group and actually made myself dance a bit with them despite being nervous and shy. It's amazing how much fun you can have with people even if no words are exchanged at all (and never have been). I did end up talking with two guys there, Josh and Tom, who were really friendly and wanted me to come back again.
When that band finished another started across the street at the Revolution pizza and ale house (which is amazingly delicious). I walked over there and some girl my age shouted out a greeting. I looked over my shoulder three (yes, THREE) times to see if she was talking to someone else, but it was me. I think she thought I was kinda goofy, and she put out her fist for me to pound, which I did. She then resumed her evening. I probably should have tried talking to her more, but I was tired and kind of confused and nervous, so I just left instead. Lame, but next time I'll try harder to put myself out there. At least I danced a little!
So that night was quite the excellent adventure.
In other news, I found a new bunker!! (If anyone's reading who's familiar with the graffiti-filled bunker under TCNJ's smaller lake). I saw one sticking up out of a lake in the park near my house, walked to the other side of the ridge, and sure enough found a pipe to walk into, straddling the water like in ours. There was no graffiti in this one, but it was still cool. I'd like to pop my head out of the surface of the water and surprise some hikers sometime, maybe... :p
Now I'm getting ready to go to bed, listening to the train go by outside. It's kind of calming to hear it every night.
I'll keep posting my latest adventures here. Despite how happy all this sounds, I was kind of down a little today and yesterday, just the general feelings that are to be expected when making this kind of change and grieving for the world left behind. But I know I'll see my friends again soon enough, and I've already been talking to some of you, for which I am extremely grateful :) The people meant to stay in my life will be there despite any physical distance, and those that aren't meant to stay will always have added something to my life. I've dealt with plenty of loss before and at this point I know how to handle it; it'll hurt for a while but I'll certainly move past it. I guess I just feel a little like one of the souls in Dante's world: I hope people remember that I exist.
Don't be shy about hitting me up and saying hi though :) I miss everyone.
Crystal-hunting tomorrow...probably the DMV the next day...sweet.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Wait, what?
So I'm looking at a shorthand list I made of stuff I wanted to write about in this entry, and I can't for the life of me remember what "Bj" was supposed to stand for...I know it wasn't what it sounds like, because that definitely didn't happen, and that's not something one forgets very easily...hm.
Well anyway, today was quite the exciting first day in Charlotte. I spent a lot of the day just unloading boxes and trying to make my new room feel like "me". I also got new car insurance today and am playing around $1200 less per year than I was in NJ, which is very pleasant (anyone wanna come move here with me? :) ). I told the rep I was talking to on the phone what I'd been paying before and she just went, "Yeah...I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised." So much for New Jersey prices.
Don't worry, car insurance was not actually the most exciting part of my day. This evening I went to North Davidson with my parents. North Davidson, or "NoDa" as the natives like to call it, is a New Hope-esque funky town full of ale houses, head shops, live music, cafes, galleries, and crazy stuff like that. Basically it's like New Hope except with a lot of young cats instead of old hippies. I love old hippies, they're the coolest, but it's really nice to see so many people my own age for a change. And really interesting people! The food place we were going to eat at had a long wait, so I took off on my own to do some exploring. I started talking to a woman selling handmaid shell and coconut bracelets; her name was Omega. She just moved here pretty recently as well and loves the city, and I'm hoping maybe I'll run into her again. It'd be pretty damn cool to have a friend named Omega. Maybe I could find someone named Alpha, and if it's the same person, I'd be friends with Jesus. That would be cool.
(Get it?)
So yeah. To be honest- OH YEAH, BJ STANDS FOR BILLY JEAN!!! I remember now. There was this really awesome brass band when I first got to NoDa and they were playing Billy Jean (my favorite Michael Jackson song), and I thought that must be a good sign. So, as I was saying: To be honest, I was kind of intimidated when I first started walking around this place. Like, holy crap, this is an actual city, a city that's ALIVE, and full of YOUNG PEOPLE, having FUN. Like, whoa. I've never felt more like a farm boy before. I kept feeling like I was dreaming; there was live music all over the place, really good music, a comedian, people spinning rainbow glow-in-the-dark hula hoops, and a guy that was dancing with fire. I kept thinking I was dreaming: I've never lived in a place like this before. Even writing this feels a little like I'm making it up. I mean, there were a lot of fun things to do around TCNJ, but they required travel and were never quite as...well, hopping...as this. The people seemed so interesting and friendly too, I hope I get the guts to talk to some of them soon. There were even a good amount of gay couples! Maybe I actually do have a chance at meeting someone here...
As if all this wasn't enough, there's going to Shakespeare in the park just about every day this week and I tried an amazingly creamy beer called Shakespeare stout. Even my English nerd is satisfied.
As awesome as all of this sounds, and it is, I'm definitely still in a period of adjustment. I need to stop thinking in terms of ending and start thinking in terms of beginning. It feels like this can't be the setting of my new life, since the culture is so incredibly different from everything that's come before. I'm actually a little bit nervous about fitting into all this. But I think once I realize I'm gonna be here for a while, I'll start to enjoy myself more. I'm already getting a little lonely without being around everyone like I'm used to, but I know I'll be fine. And it's a little weird living with my parents again, they demand quite a bit of attention, but I think I'll be fine as long as I remember that I have a car and can get out on my own whenever I feel the need.
So yeah...let the sinking in begin.
Tomorrow night I'm gonna take my first solo excursion out to a club called the Dharma Lounge. They promise sake, sushi, and Godzilla attacks, and how could I pass that up? Godzilla's the best. I hope this will be as over-the-top and crazy as it sounds. This place also gives free yoga lessons on weekend afternoons, so if I like it it might be a cool place to frequent. Even if I don't, at least I'll have put myself out there. I'm not so into the club scene that this was the first thing I wanted to do, but it just sounds so wacky that I wanna check it out.
I think that's all that's going on for now. I guess I'm using this mostly like a journal, which is fine, and I'm glad people can read it if they want to. It's nice to be able to get all these experiences out in writing since I don't have as many people to talk to as usual.
Here was my horoscope for today in Charlotte's magazine, the Creative Loafer:
"I hope you have begun to shift gears and are ready to begin a new phase in your life. You may feel as though you have stepped onto a roller coaster. You desire freedom and are willing to do what it takes to get there."
I only wish it was a little more appropriate... :)
(they even used the word "phase!" Geez!)
Well anyway, today was quite the exciting first day in Charlotte. I spent a lot of the day just unloading boxes and trying to make my new room feel like "me". I also got new car insurance today and am playing around $1200 less per year than I was in NJ, which is very pleasant (anyone wanna come move here with me? :) ). I told the rep I was talking to on the phone what I'd been paying before and she just went, "Yeah...I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised." So much for New Jersey prices.
Don't worry, car insurance was not actually the most exciting part of my day. This evening I went to North Davidson with my parents. North Davidson, or "NoDa" as the natives like to call it, is a New Hope-esque funky town full of ale houses, head shops, live music, cafes, galleries, and crazy stuff like that. Basically it's like New Hope except with a lot of young cats instead of old hippies. I love old hippies, they're the coolest, but it's really nice to see so many people my own age for a change. And really interesting people! The food place we were going to eat at had a long wait, so I took off on my own to do some exploring. I started talking to a woman selling handmaid shell and coconut bracelets; her name was Omega. She just moved here pretty recently as well and loves the city, and I'm hoping maybe I'll run into her again. It'd be pretty damn cool to have a friend named Omega. Maybe I could find someone named Alpha, and if it's the same person, I'd be friends with Jesus. That would be cool.
(Get it?)
So yeah. To be honest- OH YEAH, BJ STANDS FOR BILLY JEAN!!! I remember now. There was this really awesome brass band when I first got to NoDa and they were playing Billy Jean (my favorite Michael Jackson song), and I thought that must be a good sign. So, as I was saying: To be honest, I was kind of intimidated when I first started walking around this place. Like, holy crap, this is an actual city, a city that's ALIVE, and full of YOUNG PEOPLE, having FUN. Like, whoa. I've never felt more like a farm boy before. I kept feeling like I was dreaming; there was live music all over the place, really good music, a comedian, people spinning rainbow glow-in-the-dark hula hoops, and a guy that was dancing with fire. I kept thinking I was dreaming: I've never lived in a place like this before. Even writing this feels a little like I'm making it up. I mean, there were a lot of fun things to do around TCNJ, but they required travel and were never quite as...well, hopping...as this. The people seemed so interesting and friendly too, I hope I get the guts to talk to some of them soon. There were even a good amount of gay couples! Maybe I actually do have a chance at meeting someone here...
As if all this wasn't enough, there's going to Shakespeare in the park just about every day this week and I tried an amazingly creamy beer called Shakespeare stout. Even my English nerd is satisfied.
As awesome as all of this sounds, and it is, I'm definitely still in a period of adjustment. I need to stop thinking in terms of ending and start thinking in terms of beginning. It feels like this can't be the setting of my new life, since the culture is so incredibly different from everything that's come before. I'm actually a little bit nervous about fitting into all this. But I think once I realize I'm gonna be here for a while, I'll start to enjoy myself more. I'm already getting a little lonely without being around everyone like I'm used to, but I know I'll be fine. And it's a little weird living with my parents again, they demand quite a bit of attention, but I think I'll be fine as long as I remember that I have a car and can get out on my own whenever I feel the need.
So yeah...let the sinking in begin.
Tomorrow night I'm gonna take my first solo excursion out to a club called the Dharma Lounge. They promise sake, sushi, and Godzilla attacks, and how could I pass that up? Godzilla's the best. I hope this will be as over-the-top and crazy as it sounds. This place also gives free yoga lessons on weekend afternoons, so if I like it it might be a cool place to frequent. Even if I don't, at least I'll have put myself out there. I'm not so into the club scene that this was the first thing I wanted to do, but it just sounds so wacky that I wanna check it out.
I think that's all that's going on for now. I guess I'm using this mostly like a journal, which is fine, and I'm glad people can read it if they want to. It's nice to be able to get all these experiences out in writing since I don't have as many people to talk to as usual.
Here was my horoscope for today in Charlotte's magazine, the Creative Loafer:
"I hope you have begun to shift gears and are ready to begin a new phase in your life. You may feel as though you have stepped onto a roller coaster. You desire freedom and are willing to do what it takes to get there."
I only wish it was a little more appropriate... :)
(they even used the word "phase!" Geez!)
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Whoa...it's a blog.
There's an old video game where you climb a tower that supposedly leads to Paradise. At the top of the tower is a vast, white, empty space. In this space you encounter the Creator, who tells you that everything you've done so far has been a test, and you've passed. You don't like that very much, so you fight him (and win, of course). What could possibly be left in a story after you've met God himself? Just a door. A character in your team asks you where the door goes to. You reply, "Another world." Then, "Let's go home!" And you walk away, in the OPPOSITE direction of the door.
As much as I love the tower-of-babel type myth, this ending was always the most frustrating thing ever to me. How can anyone possibly walk away from the opportunity to enter and explore an entirely new world? In this last year of college I've though a lot about what I want to do next in life, and for a while I thought I'd do anything not to have to move down South (where my parents live now), ten hours away from everyone I know. But after thinking about it more (and exhausting other options) I decided to give it a shot for a while. And the closer it gets, the more I think I'm going to be glad I went through this door.
My friend Scott and I recently had an adventure in New Brunswick. We walked through a park and to a path by route 18 covered in miles of beautiful graffiti. To get to this path, we had to squeeze through a broken metal door and follow a ramp over the highway and down a flight of stairs. We got to talking about doors and what they mean to us. In this case the door serves as a passage to one's own personal secret world. But doors are also beginnings and endings. Often they're both at the same time, like when I got in my car today to leave Kate's house and start the long drive to Charlotte, formally ending my every-day life in the tri-state area and beginning a new one.
One T. S. Eliot quote (of all the ones I can't stop repeating to myself since I wrote that thesis) that resonates with me a lot at the moment is, "In my end is my beginning." I was on a plane a few months ago reading an Alan Watts book and at the bottom of the page was a quote by Jesus very similar to this, something along the lines of the way up being the way down and time being non-linear. A little later I was having a conversation with the middle-aged Catholic woman sitting next to me. We started talking about spirituality and she mentioned that biblical quote (which I happened to have open in my lap). I held up the book and showed it to her. Later on she said I have a bright soul. I live for coincidences like this, they're the most amazing thing in the world to me and they happen all the time. I guess the point is that even though I'm really sad to be far away from so many wonderful people, tomorrow is the start of something entirely new, rich, and exciting, and I'm hoping both to keep in touch with everyone and to keep sharing as much as I can here!
I miss you all already, and I love you all.
There are a lot of other less serious things I want to blog about now that I've got this blog thing started, but for now I'm gonna get some sleep (in this motel room in New Market, VA...huh?) so I can finish the last five hours of my drive tomorrow.
Sweet.
As much as I love the tower-of-babel type myth, this ending was always the most frustrating thing ever to me. How can anyone possibly walk away from the opportunity to enter and explore an entirely new world? In this last year of college I've though a lot about what I want to do next in life, and for a while I thought I'd do anything not to have to move down South (where my parents live now), ten hours away from everyone I know. But after thinking about it more (and exhausting other options) I decided to give it a shot for a while. And the closer it gets, the more I think I'm going to be glad I went through this door.
My friend Scott and I recently had an adventure in New Brunswick. We walked through a park and to a path by route 18 covered in miles of beautiful graffiti. To get to this path, we had to squeeze through a broken metal door and follow a ramp over the highway and down a flight of stairs. We got to talking about doors and what they mean to us. In this case the door serves as a passage to one's own personal secret world. But doors are also beginnings and endings. Often they're both at the same time, like when I got in my car today to leave Kate's house and start the long drive to Charlotte, formally ending my every-day life in the tri-state area and beginning a new one.
One T. S. Eliot quote (of all the ones I can't stop repeating to myself since I wrote that thesis) that resonates with me a lot at the moment is, "In my end is my beginning." I was on a plane a few months ago reading an Alan Watts book and at the bottom of the page was a quote by Jesus very similar to this, something along the lines of the way up being the way down and time being non-linear. A little later I was having a conversation with the middle-aged Catholic woman sitting next to me. We started talking about spirituality and she mentioned that biblical quote (which I happened to have open in my lap). I held up the book and showed it to her. Later on she said I have a bright soul. I live for coincidences like this, they're the most amazing thing in the world to me and they happen all the time. I guess the point is that even though I'm really sad to be far away from so many wonderful people, tomorrow is the start of something entirely new, rich, and exciting, and I'm hoping both to keep in touch with everyone and to keep sharing as much as I can here!
I miss you all already, and I love you all.
There are a lot of other less serious things I want to blog about now that I've got this blog thing started, but for now I'm gonna get some sleep (in this motel room in New Market, VA...huh?) so I can finish the last five hours of my drive tomorrow.
Sweet.
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